More Labyrinthine Thoughts and Enigmatic Ramblings

i was planning on my next post being "A Portrait of my Beatrice, or The Impossible Woman, or A Romantic's Quest for a Hopeless Ideal," but i probably won't bother publishing that one, even though i have put some serious work into it.

As i mentioned in my last post, i have been thinking a lot lately about whether or not my weirdness is genuine. Last night, caught in the throes of a mild identity crisis, i nearly came to the conclusion that the only reason i do the weird things that i do is because otherwise people will just ignore me. Unless i make myself noticeable, no one will notice me. That's how i feel, regardless of the veracity of the statement.

Another thing i noticed about myself is that every time i reveal a bit more of my heart, just opening up in any small way at all, will only lead to me closing back up again (if not even more). This i do because i feel like people just forget what i have said almost immediately after i have said it, thus removing any meaning the vulnerability may have had.

i hate goodbyes, and i hate anticipating goodbyes. Sometimes it seems like as soon as i let someone in i am hit with the cold, hard, truth that eventually they will be gone. This is nearing being an absolute in my mind. No matter how close someone is to me, i will have to say goodbye to them at some point. This is one of the reasons that the idea of a romantic relationship is so frightening to me. All relationships end at some point, and it always hurts when they do.

My insecurities have been hounding me more so than usual. as of late. What have i got to offer? What right do i have to be in a position of leadership? Would my friends still love and respect me if was fully honest and open with them? Is it even possible for me to be fully honest and open with anyone?

i am pretty sure that i am not at all capable of accepting any sort of compliment. That probably comes as a real shock to you. While it is partially that i don't believe them, most often compliments just baffle me, i have no idea how to respond to them.

Well, that's enough of this nonsense for now.