This is a pretty much pointless post, so i would not feel obligated to actually read it if i were you.
i want a woman who:
is strong of character, gentle of spirit
loves me for who i am and challenges me to become who i'm meant to be
doesn't care if her body isn't "perfect" according to the standards of society
has a vision for her life that compliments and supplements my own
has a passion for justice and the oppressed
doesn't expect me to be the guy from any one of those stupid chick flicks
can see just why St. Valentine's Day is such a scam
is alright with occasionally wearing dresses/skirts
is able and willing to open up to me, and is willing to let me open up to her
is able and willing to put up with my wackiness
doesn't buy into the lie that love = flowers/chocolates/jewelery/$$$
follows her own sense of fashion, unpolluted by society
likes holding hands and cuddling
is good with kids (and wants her own someday)
is eccentric in her tastes (though i suppose that would pretty much be a given if she were to end up with me)
is intelligent and thoughtful, not frightened of introspection
is affectionate, not clingy
is able to accept the fact that i do have friends who i may want to spend time with
is communicative, says what she means (forgive me, i am a guy, thus, i am oblivious)
is able to live without me and doesn't think about me constantly (i don't want anyone addicted to, or obsessed with me, that's not love, it's creepy, and i only like the whole statement "you complete me" when it's being said to Batman by Joker)
i probably ought to make it clear that Dante never did end up with Beatrice, he simply viewed her as the incarnation of beatific love. His love for her was secret, unrequited and highly respectful. She was a muse of his, he wrote a number of sonnets to her, and one of his more popular works, La Vita Nuova, was also inspired by her. That is why i chose her name to represent this ideal of mine.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Introspection That Isn't Dark Or Moody, or The Happy Post.
This is a compilation of two of my Facebook notes (The Happy Note pts 1 & 2), with a bit more happiness thrown into the mix.
things that make me happy:
- Little examples of common courtesy whether i'm giving, receiving, or simply witnessing them.
- Nature doing its thing i.e. a squirrel stashing some food in my back fence.
- Making people laugh.
- My bed, at least when I'm really tired.
- The nonsensical banter that is so common, and idiosyncratic, to my family.
- My friends.
- When pretty girls smile (of course, this is because the smile usually adds a great deal to their beauty).
- Little kids at play.
- Tales of hope and beauty in the twilight of our souls.
- When i manage to write something that i actually like.
- Choir tours (or at this point, memories of choir tours).
- Meeting cool people.
- Being accepted and loved for who i am.
- Books (generally, the more phantasmagorical the better).
- Cornerstone Music Festival.
- Cooking or baking, especially with other people.
- Hugs.
- The freedom to make mistakes.
- Good music.
- My brothers and sister-in-law.
- My parents (believe it or not).
i could (should) probably write more along these lines, but i think is a good enough start at least.
things that make me happy:
- Little examples of common courtesy whether i'm giving, receiving, or simply witnessing them.
- Nature doing its thing i.e. a squirrel stashing some food in my back fence.
- Making people laugh.
- My bed, at least when I'm really tired.
- The nonsensical banter that is so common, and idiosyncratic, to my family.
- My friends.
- When pretty girls smile (of course, this is because the smile usually adds a great deal to their beauty).
- Little kids at play.
- Tales of hope and beauty in the twilight of our souls.
- When i manage to write something that i actually like.
- Choir tours (or at this point, memories of choir tours).
- Meeting cool people.
- Being accepted and loved for who i am.
- Books (generally, the more phantasmagorical the better).
- Cornerstone Music Festival.
- Cooking or baking, especially with other people.
- Hugs.
- The freedom to make mistakes.
- Good music.
- My brothers and sister-in-law.
- My parents (believe it or not).
i could (should) probably write more along these lines, but i think is a good enough start at least.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
More Labyrinthine Thoughts and Enigmatic Ramblings
i was planning on my next post being "A Portrait of my Beatrice, or The Impossible Woman, or A Romantic's Quest for a Hopeless Ideal," but i probably won't bother publishing that one, even though i have put some serious work into it.
As i mentioned in my last post, i have been thinking a lot lately about whether or not my weirdness is genuine. Last night, caught in the throes of a mild identity crisis, i nearly came to the conclusion that the only reason i do the weird things that i do is because otherwise people will just ignore me. Unless i make myself noticeable, no one will notice me. That's how i feel, regardless of the veracity of the statement.
Another thing i noticed about myself is that every time i reveal a bit more of my heart, just opening up in any small way at all, will only lead to me closing back up again (if not even more). This i do because i feel like people just forget what i have said almost immediately after i have said it, thus removing any meaning the vulnerability may have had.
i hate goodbyes, and i hate anticipating goodbyes. Sometimes it seems like as soon as i let someone in i am hit with the cold, hard, truth that eventually they will be gone. This is nearing being an absolute in my mind. No matter how close someone is to me, i will have to say goodbye to them at some point. This is one of the reasons that the idea of a romantic relationship is so frightening to me. All relationships end at some point, and it always hurts when they do.
My insecurities have been hounding me more so than usual. as of late. What have i got to offer? What right do i have to be in a position of leadership? Would my friends still love and respect me if was fully honest and open with them? Is it even possible for me to be fully honest and open with anyone?
i am pretty sure that i am not at all capable of accepting any sort of compliment. That probably comes as a real shock to you. While it is partially that i don't believe them, most often compliments just baffle me, i have no idea how to respond to them.
Well, that's enough of this nonsense for now.
As i mentioned in my last post, i have been thinking a lot lately about whether or not my weirdness is genuine. Last night, caught in the throes of a mild identity crisis, i nearly came to the conclusion that the only reason i do the weird things that i do is because otherwise people will just ignore me. Unless i make myself noticeable, no one will notice me. That's how i feel, regardless of the veracity of the statement.
Another thing i noticed about myself is that every time i reveal a bit more of my heart, just opening up in any small way at all, will only lead to me closing back up again (if not even more). This i do because i feel like people just forget what i have said almost immediately after i have said it, thus removing any meaning the vulnerability may have had.
i hate goodbyes, and i hate anticipating goodbyes. Sometimes it seems like as soon as i let someone in i am hit with the cold, hard, truth that eventually they will be gone. This is nearing being an absolute in my mind. No matter how close someone is to me, i will have to say goodbye to them at some point. This is one of the reasons that the idea of a romantic relationship is so frightening to me. All relationships end at some point, and it always hurts when they do.
My insecurities have been hounding me more so than usual. as of late. What have i got to offer? What right do i have to be in a position of leadership? Would my friends still love and respect me if was fully honest and open with them? Is it even possible for me to be fully honest and open with anyone?
i am pretty sure that i am not at all capable of accepting any sort of compliment. That probably comes as a real shock to you. While it is partially that i don't believe them, most often compliments just baffle me, i have no idea how to respond to them.
Well, that's enough of this nonsense for now.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Welcome to the labyrinth that is my mind
My head is full.
With all that is going on, i am impressed by the fact that i haven't shut down altogether, emotionally and mentally. It's been crazy these past few weeks. The DTS is going swell, i love the group we've got here. The unfortunate bit is the schedule; it's packed.
Then there's all the relationship drama that's going on among the various couples that are friends of mine, which is something i just don't want to have to deal with.
A friend of mine lost her baby, which is a sort of pain i cannot, and will never, begin to understand. Her name is Jayna, please keep her in your prayers.
Other crises that friends of mine are going through run the gamut from questioning their faith to thinking they will never be good enough for a romantic relationship (gee, that sounds familiar for some reason...).
Please don't read this as me whining about my friends and downplaying their struggles, i'm not. i love these people and i'm an empath. When one part of the body suffers, the whole body suffers.
Now, add to that my personal craziness. The nagging quasi-desire for a girlfriend, the constant worry that i'm going to let someone, anyone, down, the desire to be understood and the hesitancy to let anyone into my heart, blah, blah, blah.
i just read over my post Stale Beer and Cigarettes again, and the apparent paradoxes of my being jumped out at me again. Lately i've been thinking that maybe my weirdness is just a front, an act so that people think i'm unique and "special." That line of thinking worries me. What if it is all just masks and costumes that i've convinced myself are my face and skin?
With all that is going on, i am impressed by the fact that i haven't shut down altogether, emotionally and mentally. It's been crazy these past few weeks. The DTS is going swell, i love the group we've got here. The unfortunate bit is the schedule; it's packed.
Then there's all the relationship drama that's going on among the various couples that are friends of mine, which is something i just don't want to have to deal with.
A friend of mine lost her baby, which is a sort of pain i cannot, and will never, begin to understand. Her name is Jayna, please keep her in your prayers.
Other crises that friends of mine are going through run the gamut from questioning their faith to thinking they will never be good enough for a romantic relationship (gee, that sounds familiar for some reason...).
Please don't read this as me whining about my friends and downplaying their struggles, i'm not. i love these people and i'm an empath. When one part of the body suffers, the whole body suffers.
Now, add to that my personal craziness. The nagging quasi-desire for a girlfriend, the constant worry that i'm going to let someone, anyone, down, the desire to be understood and the hesitancy to let anyone into my heart, blah, blah, blah.
i just read over my post Stale Beer and Cigarettes again, and the apparent paradoxes of my being jumped out at me again. Lately i've been thinking that maybe my weirdness is just a front, an act so that people think i'm unique and "special." That line of thinking worries me. What if it is all just masks and costumes that i've convinced myself are my face and skin?
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Bunnies vs. Ducklings: Who's Cuter?
I was recently exhorted by my friend Maqhal to write a post regarding whether bunny rabbits are cuter than ducklings, or if the reverse is true.
After extensive and exhausting research I still cannot reach a definitive conclusion, though I personally lean slightly toward the bunny side of the argument. That bias is probably from a run in I had with some ducks during my younger years, I won't go into detail in that story, however, as it was traumatic and I am still dealing with the long term consequences of it. Of course, it would be unprofessional of me to let my personal biases colour my findings, and so I am trying to be as impartial as I can be.
Bunnies are soft, cuddly, have large eyes, cute widdle ears, and make excellent pets. On the flip side, their urine is rather stinky, and they have sharp pointy teeth that can do a considerable amount of physical damage (such as gnawing through a grown man's neck). Edit: Rabbits also have been known to attack snakes.
Ducklings are downy, have cute widdle beaks, are less likely than bunnies to be homocidal, and are excellent as side dishes. They don't make as good a pet as a bunny does, since trying to pet them can lead to terrifying attacks from said duckling's mother. Trust me on that one, it's an ugly scene.
Ultimately, whether one is cuter than the other is up to you, the reader. Again, my preferance is bunnies, but that's just me.
After extensive and exhausting research I still cannot reach a definitive conclusion, though I personally lean slightly toward the bunny side of the argument. That bias is probably from a run in I had with some ducks during my younger years, I won't go into detail in that story, however, as it was traumatic and I am still dealing with the long term consequences of it. Of course, it would be unprofessional of me to let my personal biases colour my findings, and so I am trying to be as impartial as I can be.
Bunnies are soft, cuddly, have large eyes, cute widdle ears, and make excellent pets. On the flip side, their urine is rather stinky, and they have sharp pointy teeth that can do a considerable amount of physical damage (such as gnawing through a grown man's neck). Edit: Rabbits also have been known to attack snakes.
Ducklings are downy, have cute widdle beaks, are less likely than bunnies to be homocidal, and are excellent as side dishes. They don't make as good a pet as a bunny does, since trying to pet them can lead to terrifying attacks from said duckling's mother. Trust me on that one, it's an ugly scene.
Ultimately, whether one is cuter than the other is up to you, the reader. Again, my preferance is bunnies, but that's just me.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
What's love got to do, got to do with it?
I have found I do the vast majority of my introspection late at night. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about love, and not the unconditional, look-out-for-your-fellow-man type love, but the *gasp* romantic variety.
While this is one of the only areas in life in which I am a genuine cynic, it is also one of the things a desire most. A "significant other," someone I can write cheesy poetry about and go for long walks with, hand in hand. I've had this strong desire for this kind of love for as long as I can remember, I've had countless crushes throughout my life, and almost as many rejections. I have come to the conclusion that these rejections, coupled with my intense desire for requited love, have had something of a major impact on me. I have found that when a girl expresses interest in me, and there is the slightest chance, however minute it may be, that something could possibly come of it, immediately my heart says: "Good enough!" and latches on to that person.
This has happened on more than one occasion.
The prime example would be the girl I dated (yes, there has only been one, surprise!). Here's the story: It was my grade twelve year, and there was this really cute girl in one of the choirs I was in. Me and her struck up a friendship, we talked quite a bit. I got to liking her something awful, and she eventually admitted to having some feelings for me. So, what did the ever-brilliant Brenden Knight end up doing? He started dating one of her friends. Now, why would I do something like that? Well, I knew this girl wouldn't be able to date for a while, and I found out her friend would indeed date me if I were to ask her out. Later I found out the girl I dated wasn't even all that interested in me in the beginning either. Shockingly enough, this not so well-founded relationship lasted for 13 months. By then it was obvious we were terrible for each other, and so she broke it off. Also, I should point out that I wanted to end it, but didn't because I'm a wuss. Now, being two and a half years after the fact, I am just coming to grips with just how wrong the relationship was, it ruined the friendship I had with both girls mentioned.
So how do I go about taking off these shaded glasses that I wear? How do I find the middle ground between my bitter cynicism towards romance in general and my overpowering desire for such a relationship? People have told me to "just let it go" or "give it to God," but I am still unclear as to what that means exactly, and how I go about doing such a thing. I'm sure my somewhat obsessive personality doesn't help the matter much at all...
Well, I'm tired now, and I don't really know what else to say about the matter.
While this is one of the only areas in life in which I am a genuine cynic, it is also one of the things a desire most. A "significant other," someone I can write cheesy poetry about and go for long walks with, hand in hand. I've had this strong desire for this kind of love for as long as I can remember, I've had countless crushes throughout my life, and almost as many rejections. I have come to the conclusion that these rejections, coupled with my intense desire for requited love, have had something of a major impact on me. I have found that when a girl expresses interest in me, and there is the slightest chance, however minute it may be, that something could possibly come of it, immediately my heart says: "Good enough!" and latches on to that person.
This has happened on more than one occasion.
The prime example would be the girl I dated (yes, there has only been one, surprise!). Here's the story: It was my grade twelve year, and there was this really cute girl in one of the choirs I was in. Me and her struck up a friendship, we talked quite a bit. I got to liking her something awful, and she eventually admitted to having some feelings for me. So, what did the ever-brilliant Brenden Knight end up doing? He started dating one of her friends. Now, why would I do something like that? Well, I knew this girl wouldn't be able to date for a while, and I found out her friend would indeed date me if I were to ask her out. Later I found out the girl I dated wasn't even all that interested in me in the beginning either. Shockingly enough, this not so well-founded relationship lasted for 13 months. By then it was obvious we were terrible for each other, and so she broke it off. Also, I should point out that I wanted to end it, but didn't because I'm a wuss. Now, being two and a half years after the fact, I am just coming to grips with just how wrong the relationship was, it ruined the friendship I had with both girls mentioned.
So how do I go about taking off these shaded glasses that I wear? How do I find the middle ground between my bitter cynicism towards romance in general and my overpowering desire for such a relationship? People have told me to "just let it go" or "give it to God," but I am still unclear as to what that means exactly, and how I go about doing such a thing. I'm sure my somewhat obsessive personality doesn't help the matter much at all...
Well, I'm tired now, and I don't really know what else to say about the matter.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
The Power of A Simple Gesture
I was recently leading a youth group in an outreach we do called Roses to Prostitutes. The outreach consists of us YWAMers taking a group through either the West End or the North End (or both) and handing out roses to the girls working the streets and telling them that God loves them. I was leading my group through the West End and we had been walking for probably close to an hour having seen only one girl (and she took off as soon as she saw us).
So I was getting somewhat discouraged and confused at that point. I went by all the corners where the girls usually hang out and no luck. The youth pastor of the group came up to me and told me a story.
We had just passed a bingo hall as everyone was leaving it and one girl saw our group and the roses and stopped Randy (the youth pastor) and some of the guys in the group. She asked them if they were the group that hands out roses to girls who work the streets, and Randy said that that was what we were doing. She then said that she had been given a rose about a year ago and that is was a huge boost to her self-esteem. She went on to encourage them that what we were doing has a huge impact on the working girls, that she had eventuall quit hooking because of it, and that (at the time she told us) she had been sober for 111 days.
What do we get out of this? Love is an amazingly powerful thing and it can be channeled through the simplest of gestures. This story really illustrates why I believe so strongly that a life of love is the highest, and most important, of Christian ideals.
I'm exhausted at this point, but I'm pretty sure that I will blog more on this topic in the future.
So I was getting somewhat discouraged and confused at that point. I went by all the corners where the girls usually hang out and no luck. The youth pastor of the group came up to me and told me a story.
We had just passed a bingo hall as everyone was leaving it and one girl saw our group and the roses and stopped Randy (the youth pastor) and some of the guys in the group. She asked them if they were the group that hands out roses to girls who work the streets, and Randy said that that was what we were doing. She then said that she had been given a rose about a year ago and that is was a huge boost to her self-esteem. She went on to encourage them that what we were doing has a huge impact on the working girls, that she had eventuall quit hooking because of it, and that (at the time she told us) she had been sober for 111 days.
What do we get out of this? Love is an amazingly powerful thing and it can be channeled through the simplest of gestures. This story really illustrates why I believe so strongly that a life of love is the highest, and most important, of Christian ideals.
I'm exhausted at this point, but I'm pretty sure that I will blog more on this topic in the future.
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