O Death, where is thy sting?

i have experienced two significant deaths this year, both of which were sudden and tragic. The first was the wonderful Ruth Oomen. Ruth was one of the organizers of Eastman Youth Choir, a regional choir i was in during my high school years. She was taken in a car accident last winter, and though i hadn't really been in touch with her anymore, it still hit me pretty hard. She was one of the main reasons i took part in most of the choir stuff i did back then. Then in May, Andrew Spoljar took his own life in the midst of a psychological break. Andrew was the brother of my good friend Amy Komus, and he had recently "joined" our little house church. i wasn't as close to Andrew as i wish i could have been, but his passing also shook me.

What hit me harder than both of those tragedies, was when my mother was diagnosed with cancer in August. While it seems that there's nothing to worry about, they're confident that the hysterectomy got all the cancer out of her, i'm still all emotional about it. The thought of my mom having to receive radiation treatment can get me crying no matter how great my mood is at the time. Why is this?

The loss of an illusion can be more painful than we often think. i haven't lost my mother. i have, however, lost the unconscious notion that my mother is immortal. That scares me, i don't ever want to have to face that loss, but it is inevitable. OK, you must now be thinking "Goodness' sake, this guy is morbid!" Well, that is true, but that's not the point here.

Now that i have come to terms with this loss of illusion, what do i do about it? Or, rather, what should i do about it? There's that bit of pop-wisdom "You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone." While entirely cliché, it's also entirely true at times. The typical response to a near-loss of a loved one is to suddenly have this renewed value and appreciation for them. At least that's the Hollywood response, and really, should be the typical response for anyone who has an actual soul.

i, however, have just continued on, in my callous way, to take my mother for granted most of the time. "Brenden! Where is your heart and soul?" you ask, incredulously, "you're normally such a sensitive and caring person!" (now that bit i'm really not sure about, it could be sarcastic or not...) i honestly have no easy answer to that question. There is no one that i love as much as my mother, and i have doubts that anyone will usurp that spot in my heart that she holds, but at the same time she is the person i take for granted the most. Where does this painful dichotomy come from? Why is it that we as a species have a tendency to hurt those who we love the most?

i probably just need to grow up a bit, i know my idealism tends to colour everything i see. Perhaps, it's not as bad as i'm making it out to be, since i do have a slight tendency to be hard on myself (as well as a slight tendency for understatement).

Well, now that i'm just rambling, and seem to have forgotten the reason for starting this post, i will sign off.

Here we are at the end of an era.

Cornerstone.

For the past 7 years that word has evoked very strong emotions within me. It is 5 days of great music (and not-so-great music), unhealthy food, poor sleeping conditions, people from  just about every subculture (goths, gutter punks, anarcho-primitivists, hippies, metal heads, tough guys, folksy types, etc. etc.), embarrassingly cheesy slogans, love, laughter, and all-around good times.

This year was different for me. I had a lot of fun, for sure. I saw all the bands i had hoped to see, and discovered some new ones as well. However, over the last two days of the event i saw two bands in total, and spent the majority of my time by myself (mostly by my own choice). The sad part is that i found it all so overwhelming this year.

I didn't enjoy myself nearly as much as i have in the past. It could be due to a number of things that were on my mind that just wouldn't go away, or other factors that were influencing my mood in general.

So, it's looking like 5 is it for me. Don't get me wrong, i did have a great time for the most part, and i don't in any way regret having gone this year, i just doubt i'll go back.

That is, unless i get a rocker girlfriend who would want to go with me...

To Andrew

Andrew, i know we never really hung out or spent much time together, but trust me dude, i regret that a lot.

i really was looking forward to getting to know you more. The little i saw of you personally was all good. You struck me as a really solid, caring, guy. The way you interacted with Nilaya was inspiring at times, and your paintings really showed a sensitivity that was not as readily visible. It was really good to hear that you had decided to follow Christ, and it was great to have you over at Little Flowers. i'm sorry i missed your wrestling match, i really did want to go to it, honestly. Only as i write this is it starting to sink in that i won't see you again in this life. That realization leaves me feeling a hollow pain in my chest. i am at a loss for words, the feelings i have are overwhelming.

i don't know what to say. This can hardly be called a tribute, as much as i wish i had the words to make it one.

You were and are loved, and are sorely missed.

R.I.P. Andrew Spoljar. February 28, 1983 - May 10, 2009

First we take Manhattan...Then we take Berlin.

"It's been about 14, 15 years since I was last up on a stage, like this, here. I was 60 then. Just a kid with a crazy dream..."

Well into his seventies, Leonard Cohen is still a phenomenal poet and, in all honesty, musician. His moody lyrics are some of the most evocative and inspiring words i have had the honour of hearing. His performance lasted 3 hours in total, and i am in no way a hardcore enough fan to list all the songs he performed. Highlights for me included such songs as Bird on a Wire, The Partisan, Suzanne, Hallelujah (cementing it as his own song in my mind, and the best version of it by far), I'm Your Man, First We Take Manhattan, Closing Time, If It Be Your Will (beautifully sung by Charley and Hattie Webb, more on this one later) and the spoken word piece A Thousand Kisses Deep. He ended with Ruth 1:16 (Where you go I will go..) set to music quite beautifully.

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come (to Winnipeg) to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

That is my favourite stanza ever to be put to music (the Winnipeg bit was a nice touch too). Leonard's lyrics are so poignant and emotional at times, an art that i sometimes fear has been lost in the music industry. He had a great stage presence and was modest enough to allow his back up musicians the spot light at times, and they so very much deserved it. He was incredibly respectful of his musicians, and had no air of superiorty over them.

Here is part of the wonderful prayer Leonard Cohen wrote, entitled "If It Be Your Will":

If it be your will
that I speak no more,
and my voice be still
as it was before,
I will speak no more,
I shall abide until
I am spoken for,
if it be your will.

If it be your will
that a voice be true,
from this broken hill
I will sing to you.
From this broken hill
all your praises they shall ring
if it be your will
to let me sing.

It's been a long time since I rock and rolled...

As my unashamed reference to Led Zepplin states, it has been quite some time since i last posted. What's at fault? Probably a mixture of apathy, laziness, and lack of inspiration. If i really wanted, i suppose i could go on a bitter rant about some of the idiocy i have been subjected to as of late, but i feel this blog has enough bitterness in it already. So, i shall instead list some things that have happened recently (or  will happen soon) that make me happy.

1. My recent purchase of the newest K'naan album "Troubadour." While K'naan is a hip-hop/rap artist, he is a poet of the finest calibre, and is not afraid to share his experiences growing up in Wardhiigleey (which translates to "the lake of blood") in Somalia during their civil war. Whether he is tearing through the braggadocio which so often infuses his genre of choice, or is sharing the story of his girlfriend's murder when he was twelve years old, he is always eloquent. His beliefs always show through, and while they are different from my own (he is a muslim), i still have a great deal of respect for him.

2. Tonight i have the great opportunity to see Leonard Cohen in concert. Leonard Cohen is, was, and will always be one of the best things to ever happen to Canadian popular culture. His lyrical genius more than makes up fo his lack of musical ability. His songs have been covered hundreds of times by some of the most popular musical artists of the 20th century. He is quite possibly my favourite contemporary poet. i might even go so far as to say that i appreciate Cohen as much as i do Dante.

3. Adventures in rural south-eastern Manitoba. Whether it's traipsing through abandoned houses/barns,  being harrased by a dead coyote's ghost, crashing a luchadore photo shoot, or simply touring around the country listening to southern rock. This is something i've recently started taking part in with my brother Sean, and our friend Kris (and whoever else happens to join us). These adventures/tours are like mini road trips, and i find it amazing how much awesome stuff there is right in my backyard that i don't even know about.

4. Cornerstone Music Festival. Best music festival ever. It's going to be fantastic.

5. Tom Waits in a rap song. There are no words to describe...

Other things that have made me smile recently include freshly baked cookies, strange Scandinavian women and their equally strange music, McDonald's food late at night, reconnecting with (long, lost) friends, and good quality fantasy epics.

Why I hate St. Valentine's Day

It is not because i'm single. In fact, i might possibly hate it more if i had a "significant other" (is anyone else annoyed by that term?). Of course, one could argue that i hate it because i had a huge fight with my girlfriend on this day, 3 years ago, but fear not! To be honest, it was my hate for St. V's Day, that caused the fight in the first place.

"So why do you hate St. Valentine's Day, Brennie??" You ask.

"Well, [insert your name here], it's because Valentine's Day is just a big money grab," I reply condescendingly.

"But...but...It's about loooooooooove!" You exclaim desperately,  the same shock and disbelief written across your face as the time you found out Santa didn't exist.

"That is a common misconception, [insert your name here]," i explain, "and it may have even been about love at some point, now it is just a day when card/candy/flower stores can guilt boyfriends/husbands/etc. into buying their goods after jacking up the prices. It's really about shallow, conformist, sentimentalism."

"Wow, Brennie, you sure are bitter/cynical!" You reply heatedly.

"i would say i'm being realistic, but of course 'that's what they all say,'"

At that point i give up trying to explain the rationale behind my distaste for this day and change the subject to something unrelated. It is one of my goals to never get into a relationship with someone who would require me to do something for them on St. V's, and so i greatly anticipate having someone to not celebrate the day with.

i have lost my faith in cynicism.

For years i have guarded my heart with bitterness and an uncompromising cynicism toward all things romantic. This is starting to change, regardless of how i see some relationships playing out around me.

Someone told me that she will laugh at me when i get into a relationship and do all the things that i've been complaining about regarding how people are in romantic relationships. i still don't know how i feel about that, but it almost borders on being offensive (edit: She read my blog, there was a slight misunderstanding on my part, it's all cleared up now). Then i think back on my last relationship, and how i became one of those couples that i hated so much. Now, i do know that the next time i get into a relationship it won't be such a mess as that one, at least now i have a basic foundation of how relationships should and should not be done. That being said, i still wonder, just how much of that idiocy will i repeat, and how much of that idiocy is unavoidable?

Anyways, i'm sick of being tagged as bitter, of being labeled as a cynic, and i'm sick of those statements being accurate. i don't want to be a cynic anymore, i'm just not sure how to go about changing...

i dunno how i feel about this poem, but whatever, here it is:

this dark shell around my heart is beginning to crack

and from within a weak light is shining through

i pry at the cracks but my fingers slip

my hands are weak and shaky

the task seems insurmountable and my strength ebbs

tears well up in my eyes

i try to hold back

the dam breaks

the cascade flows over the shell of my heart

i just want to let go

i want to rid myself of this suffocating cage

my heart wants to soar

until it finds a place to nest

as my tears baptize my scarred and wounded heart

the dark shell softens

the cracks widen

and healing comes

the fire within the shell, so nearly stifled

is not doused by the flow

but fed

the tears become flame adding to the conflagration within

my bitterness is consumed

but that is not the end

the healing will take time

and effort

but when it is complete my heart will soar and someday find

its resting place