A Portrait of my Beatrice, or The Impossible Woman, or A Romantic's Quest for a Hopeless Ideal.

This is a pretty much pointless post, so i would not feel obligated to actually read it if i were you.

i want a woman who:
is strong of character, gentle of spirit
loves me for who i am and challenges me to become who i'm meant to be
doesn't care if her body isn't "perfect" according to the standards of society
has a vision for her life that compliments and supplements my own
has a passion for justice and the oppressed
doesn't expect me to be the guy from any one of those stupid chick flicks
can see just why St. Valentine's Day is such a scam
is alright with occasionally wearing dresses/skirts
is able and willing to open up to me, and is willing to let me open up to her
is able and willing to put up with my wackiness
doesn't buy into the lie that love = flowers/chocolates/jewelery/$$$
follows her own sense of fashion, unpolluted by society
likes holding hands and cuddling
is good with kids (and wants her own someday)
is eccentric in her tastes (though i suppose that would pretty much be a given if she were to end up with me)
is intelligent and thoughtful, not frightened of introspection
is affectionate, not clingy
is able to accept the fact that i do have friends who i may want to spend time with
is communicative, says what she means (forgive me, i am a guy, thus, i am oblivious)
is able to live without me and doesn't think about me constantly (i don't want anyone addicted to, or obsessed with me, that's not love, it's creepy, and i only like the whole statement "you complete me" when it's being said to Batman by Joker)

i probably ought to make it clear that Dante never did end up with Beatrice, he simply viewed her as the incarnation of beatific love. His love for her was secret, unrequited and highly respectful. She was a muse of his, he wrote a number of sonnets to her, and one of his more popular works, La Vita Nuova, was also inspired by her. That is why i chose her name to represent this ideal of mine.

Introspection That Isn't Dark Or Moody, or The Happy Post.

This is a compilation of two of my Facebook notes (The Happy Note pts 1 & 2), with a bit more happiness thrown into the mix.

things that make me happy:
- Little examples of common courtesy whether i'm giving, receiving, or simply witnessing them.
- Nature doing its thing i.e. a squirrel stashing some food in my back fence.
- Making people laugh.
- My bed, at least when I'm really tired.
- The nonsensical banter that is so common, and idiosyncratic, to my family.
- My friends.
- When pretty girls smile (of course, this is because the smile usually adds a great deal to their beauty).
- Little kids at play.
- Tales of hope and beauty in the twilight of our souls.
- When i manage to write something that i actually like.
- Choir tours (or at this point, memories of choir tours).
- Meeting cool people.
- Being accepted and loved for who i am.
- Books (generally, the more phantasmagorical the better).
- Cornerstone Music Festival.
- Cooking or baking, especially with other people.
- Hugs.
- The freedom to make mistakes.
- Good music.
- My brothers and sister-in-law.
- My parents (believe it or not).

i could (should) probably write more along these lines, but i think is a good enough start at least.

More Labyrinthine Thoughts and Enigmatic Ramblings

i was planning on my next post being "A Portrait of my Beatrice, or The Impossible Woman, or A Romantic's Quest for a Hopeless Ideal," but i probably won't bother publishing that one, even though i have put some serious work into it.

As i mentioned in my last post, i have been thinking a lot lately about whether or not my weirdness is genuine. Last night, caught in the throes of a mild identity crisis, i nearly came to the conclusion that the only reason i do the weird things that i do is because otherwise people will just ignore me. Unless i make myself noticeable, no one will notice me. That's how i feel, regardless of the veracity of the statement.

Another thing i noticed about myself is that every time i reveal a bit more of my heart, just opening up in any small way at all, will only lead to me closing back up again (if not even more). This i do because i feel like people just forget what i have said almost immediately after i have said it, thus removing any meaning the vulnerability may have had.

i hate goodbyes, and i hate anticipating goodbyes. Sometimes it seems like as soon as i let someone in i am hit with the cold, hard, truth that eventually they will be gone. This is nearing being an absolute in my mind. No matter how close someone is to me, i will have to say goodbye to them at some point. This is one of the reasons that the idea of a romantic relationship is so frightening to me. All relationships end at some point, and it always hurts when they do.

My insecurities have been hounding me more so than usual. as of late. What have i got to offer? What right do i have to be in a position of leadership? Would my friends still love and respect me if was fully honest and open with them? Is it even possible for me to be fully honest and open with anyone?

i am pretty sure that i am not at all capable of accepting any sort of compliment. That probably comes as a real shock to you. While it is partially that i don't believe them, most often compliments just baffle me, i have no idea how to respond to them.

Well, that's enough of this nonsense for now.

Welcome to the labyrinth that is my mind

My head is full.

With all that is going on, i am impressed by the fact that i haven't shut down altogether, emotionally and mentally. It's been crazy these past few weeks. The DTS is going swell, i love the group we've got here. The unfortunate bit is the schedule; it's packed.

Then there's all the relationship drama that's going on among the various couples that are friends of mine, which is something i just don't want to have to deal with.

A friend of mine lost her baby, which is a sort of pain i cannot, and will never, begin to understand. Her name is Jayna, please keep her in your prayers.

Other crises that friends of mine are going through run the gamut from questioning their faith to thinking they will never be good enough for a romantic relationship (gee, that sounds familiar for some reason...).

Please don't read this as me whining about my friends and downplaying their struggles, i'm not. i love these people and i'm an empath. When one part of the body suffers, the whole body suffers.

Now, add to that my personal craziness. The nagging quasi-desire for a girlfriend, the constant worry that i'm going to let someone, anyone, down, the desire to be understood and the hesitancy to let anyone into my heart, blah, blah, blah.

i just read over my post Stale Beer and Cigarettes again, and the apparent paradoxes of my being jumped out at me again. Lately i've been thinking that maybe my weirdness is just a front, an act so that people think i'm unique and "special." That line of thinking worries me. What if it is all just masks and costumes that i've convinced myself are my face and skin?

Bunnies vs. Ducklings: Who's Cuter?

I was recently exhorted by my friend Maqhal to write a post regarding whether bunny rabbits are cuter than ducklings, or if the reverse is true.

After extensive and exhausting research I still cannot reach a definitive conclusion, though I personally lean slightly toward the bunny side of the argument. That bias is probably from a run in I had with some ducks during my younger years, I won't go into detail in that story, however, as it was traumatic and I am still dealing with the long term consequences of it. Of course, it would be unprofessional of me to let my personal biases colour my findings, and so I am trying to be as impartial as I can be.

Bunnies are soft, cuddly, have large eyes, cute widdle ears, and make excellent pets. On the flip side, their urine is rather stinky, and they have sharp pointy teeth that can do a considerable amount of physical damage (such as gnawing through a grown man's neck). Edit: Rabbits also have been known to attack snakes.

Ducklings are downy, have cute widdle beaks, are less likely than bunnies to be homocidal, and are excellent as side dishes. They don't make as good a pet as a bunny does, since trying to pet them can lead to terrifying attacks from said duckling's mother. Trust me on that one, it's an ugly scene.

       

Ultimately, whether one is cuter than the other is up to you, the reader. Again, my preferance is bunnies, but that's just me.

What's love got to do, got to do with it?

I have found I do the vast majority of my introspection late at night. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about love, and not the unconditional, look-out-for-your-fellow-man type love, but the *gasp* romantic variety.

While this is one of the only areas in life in which I am a genuine cynic, it is also one of the things a desire most. A "significant other," someone I can write cheesy poetry about and go for long walks with, hand in hand. I've had this strong desire for this kind of love for as long as I can remember, I've had countless crushes throughout my life, and almost as many rejections. I have come to the conclusion that these rejections, coupled with my intense desire for requited love, have had something of a major impact on me. I have found that when a girl expresses interest in me, and there is the slightest chance, however minute it may be, that something could possibly come of it, immediately my heart says: "Good enough!" and latches on to that person.

This has happened on more than one occasion.

The prime example would be the girl I dated (yes, there has only been one, surprise!). Here's the story: It was my grade twelve year, and there was this really cute girl in one of the choirs I was in. Me and her struck up a friendship, we talked quite a bit. I got to liking her something awful, and she eventually admitted to having some feelings for me. So, what did the ever-brilliant Brenden Knight end up doing? He started dating one of her friends. Now, why would I do something like that? Well, I knew this girl wouldn't be able to date for a while, and I found out her friend would indeed date me if I were to ask her out. Later I found out the girl I dated wasn't even all that interested in me in the beginning either. Shockingly enough, this not so well-founded relationship lasted for 13 months. By then it was obvious we were terrible for each other, and so she broke it off. Also, I should point out that I wanted to end it, but didn't because I'm a wuss. Now, being two and a half years after the fact, I am just coming to grips with just how wrong the relationship was, it ruined the friendship I had with both girls mentioned.

So how do I go about taking off these shaded glasses that I wear?  How do I find the middle ground between my bitter cynicism towards romance in general and my overpowering desire for such a relationship? People have told me to "just let it go" or "give it to God," but I am still unclear as to what that means exactly, and how I go about doing such a thing. I'm sure my somewhat obsessive personality doesn't help the matter much at all...

Well, I'm tired now, and I don't really know what else to say about the matter.

The Power of A Simple Gesture

I was recently leading a youth group in an outreach we do called Roses to Prostitutes. The outreach consists of us YWAMers taking a group through either the West End or the North End (or both) and handing out roses to the girls working the streets and telling them that God loves them. I was leading my group through the West End and we had been walking for probably close to an hour having seen only one girl (and she took off as soon as she saw us).

So I was getting somewhat discouraged and confused at that point. I went by all the corners where the girls usually hang out and no luck. The youth pastor of the group came up to me and told me a story.

We had just passed a bingo hall as everyone was leaving it and one girl saw our group and the roses and stopped Randy (the youth pastor) and some of the guys in the group. She asked them if they were the group that hands out roses to girls who work the streets, and Randy said that that was what we were doing. She then said that she had been given a rose about a year ago and that is was a huge boost to her self-esteem. She went on to encourage them that what we were doing has a huge impact on the working girls, that she had eventuall quit hooking because of it, and that (at the time she told us) she had been sober for 111 days.

What do we get out of this? Love is an amazingly powerful thing and it can be channeled through the simplest of gestures. This story really illustrates why I believe so strongly that a life of love is the highest, and most important, of Christian ideals.

I'm exhausted at this point, but I'm pretty sure that I will blog more on this topic in the future.

Stale Beer and Cigarettes

If my life had its own scent it would smell like fresh vanilla in the midst of stale beer and cigarettes. It would sound like sad songs about unrequited love and hopelessness, a muttered curse, and a shout of praise. Its taste would be the purest of spring waters marred by the copper tang of blood. It would be a black and white film, both nihilistic and hopeful, filled with cynicism and a child-like wonder. I am Dante and Nietzsche, Peter Pan and Pagliacci. I am a child awed by the world and its inner workings. I am a man hardened by a world that has taught over, and over again, not to trust it. I am filled with inspiration and disgust with the great love and great evil that humanity is capable of. I am a romantic idealist searching for my Beatrice. I am a hero searching for a giant to defeat, and finding only windmills. I am the son of a King, and a disciple of a Transient. I try to live a life of love and doubt that love exists. I walk alongside Tolstoy, and try not to stumble in the drunken stupor of my own unrighteousness. I am an embodiment of inconsistencies and contradictions. I utter tirades against the masks I see people wearing, while my vision is narrowed by my own. I despise the objectification of women within the fog of my own lust. I speak out against war, and drive a knife of judgement into the backs of my friends. I live in a bubble of self-centeredness, demanding and then rejecting the love of those around me. I preach love and cloak my heart in bitterness. I am Dorian Grey; my portrait is hanging in the darkest room of my heart. I guard myself from outward attack while I decay inwardly. I try to pull the mask from my face to find there’s nothing underneath. I base my identity on what I am not, not what I am. I am a pessimistic optimist, a naïve cynic. All I want is to be loved, but I don’t know what love is. I am trying to find Heaven, and trying to find people who will look for it with me. I am split between the mystic and the intellectual, pulled one way by beauty, another by logic. I am created in God’s own image, scarred by sin, and redeemed by His sacrifice. I am desperately searching for who God made me to be, and desperately trying to see those redeeming qualities He created in me. My greatest weakness is that I think myself weaker than I really am.

I am trapped in the ninth circle of Hell, while I struggle up the mount of Purgatory, and exult in the Presence of the Almighty.

Please, don't make judgements about me based on this rambling rant, it is the spawn of late night introspection and confusion, an attempt at an honest look at the convolutions of my person. All in all, God made me, my life has shaped me, and I am still growing.

Nemo, my name forevermore.

Last night I got to see Nightwish perform live for the second time. I was unsure of how well Annette (Lead vocals) would replace Tarja (Former frontwoman) in performance but she actually was really good (though she lacked Tarja's vampiric poise, that's for sure). The rest of the band (Marco - vocals/bass, Tuomas - keys, Empuu - guitar, Jukka - drums) were as tight musically as I remembered them to be. I was lucky enough to miss the opening act, excepting the last few strains of their final song. From what little I heard, I know I didn't miss much.

Nightwish, for you who don't know, is a Finnish metal band whose sound runs the gamut from symphonic to gothic to folky, though that last one is more rare in their songs. So, here's a rundown of the concert:

Bye Bye Beautiful - Great opening song, one of my favourites from Dark Passion Play.
Dark Chest of Wonders - From the album Once, a metal song about Peter Pan. Need I say more?
Whoever Brings The Night - One of their more unremarkable songs, but still catchy.
The Siren - Another song from Once, also very good.
Amaranth - The first single from Dark Passion Play, pretty good, I expected it to come later in the set though.
The Islander - Marco and Empuu picked up acoustic guitars for this one. The fact that they would perform this one in concert totally took me by surprise as it is a complete departure from Nightwish's usual style. Awesome song for sure.
The Poet and The Pendulum - The 13 minute and 54 second epic from Dark Passion Play, another surprise since the y used a full choir/orchestra (and a boy soprano soloist) for the album version. This song is probably Tuomas' magnum opus (He writes 99.9% of their music. On a completely unrelated note, he had a 12" figurine of Edward Scissorhands on one of his keyboards)
dunno - yeah, they played a song I didn't recognize, it was also very unremarkable.
While Your Lips Are Still Red - Another slow number, pretty much one big stab at Tarja, the former frontwoman/diva.
Sahara - Another one of my favourites from Dark Passion Play.
Nemo - One of the best songs Nightwish has ever written, a great closer to a great set.

Encore set: Why do bands do the whole walk-off-the-stage-wait-a-while-for-the-fans-to-scream-themselves-hoarse-then-come-back-out-and-play-more-songs thing anymore? My buddy Cole compared it to "peekaboo", I found that sadly fitting. Anyways...
7 Days to the Wolves - A good song, but 7 minutes? A bit long imho.
dunno - *gasp*! another song I didn't recognise! Shame on me...
Wish I Had An Angel - While it isn't the greatest lyrically, it's a really awesome metal tune. Probably the best song to close the show.

Nightwish is one of those rare "secular" metal bands that not only doesn't try to sell themselves as "evil" but also isn't incredibly cheesey, like almost every fantasy metal band out there. Their onstage banter was amusing (mostly about how their hockey teams are doing), and their interaction as a band was borderline hilarious. They seemed really comfortable onstage and weren't scared to have fun. I definitely hope to see them again.

I'll Tell You Now That Grown Men Cry, And Irish Girls Are Pretty.

Last night, my family and I had the chance to see The Proclaimers live in concert. It was excellent...That is, it was excellent once The Proclaimers took the stage some 3 hours after the doors were supposed to have opened. Our tickets told us the doors were opening at 7:30, so Matthew and I lined up at about quarter after 7, and waited there in the cold until about 8:20 before we were let into the venue.

The opening band had demanded privacy for their sound check, so we had to wait for them to finish that before we were allowed in. Of course, once we actually got into the place it was still another hour before the show actually started. Needless to say, by this point we were all quite ready for it to get going.

Jeremy Fisher, both the name of the frontman and the band itself, is a folk-rock group based out of Vancouver. To be quite honest, I enjoyed them, but not so much that I would willingly wait an hour in the cold to hear just them. Their music was kind of cliché, and the frontman's onstage banter was boderline annoying. I didn't hate the band, but neither did I love them, I was there to see The Proclaimers. I was actually somewhat offended when they decided to do an encore. Opening acts should not do encores.

OK, half an hour after Jeremy Fisher relinquished the stage, Matthew and I managed to get within spitting distance of the stage. Enter the twins. Craig and Charlie Reid put on the show I was hoping for. They both were very comfortable on stage, and had a commanding presence, especially when hollering out their great songs. Their back up band was also quite talented on the various instruments they played (which included the typical: electric and bass guitar, drums, and the not so typical; pedalled steel guitar and accordian). While I didn't know all of the songs they performed, they did play my favourites: Cap In Hand, Sean (from which the title of this post is taken), I'm On My Way (which was featured in Shrek), Let's Get Married, Sunshine on Leith, Letter From America, a great cover of the song King of the Road (originally performed by Roger Miller), and of course ended their pre-encore set with the standard I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles). One thing that The Proclaimers really know how to do is just rock. Their style is unashamed and open, and at the same time incredibly tight musically. Of course Matthew and I lined up afterwards to get their autographs, Matthew told them that he was going to play their music to his kids (I'm guessing he was referring to the choir class he teaches) to show them how to sing and Craig's reply to that was "Well, I hope it doesn't put them off (singing)."

All in all it was an excellent show, and one of the best I have been to.

Comic Book Movies: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

As of late there has been a rather large increase in the number of movies based on or inspired by comic books, being something of a comic book nerd I find myself drawn to them, often to my own dissapointment. It seems that these movies tend to be either really good, or really bad. Unfortunately it also seems that the majority fall into that second category. For whatever reason, I feel like briefly expressing my feelings toward them. So here they are, in no particular order:

Comic Book movies I have seen (For the sake of cutting down this list somewhat I have refrained from listing TV movies)

Iron Man: I enjoyed this movie as much as I thought I would. It had a good amount of action. Tony Stark was well cast, but Jim Rhodes was not, in my humble opinion.

the X-Men Trilogy: The first two were great, featuring most of my favourite characters. The third was a travesty in my opinion, and its only redeeming factor was the presence of Beast.

Batman Forever, Batman and Robin, Batman Begins, Batman: Mask of the Phantasm: The first two on this list were terrible, poorly casted, and far too campy. I could go on for far too long about how terrible Batman and Robin was. Batman Begins is still my favourite comic book movie (though that will probably change once I see The Dark Knight). Mask of the Phantasm was great as well, probably the top movie of my childhood.

Fantastic Four, Fantastic Four and the Rise of the Silver Surfer: Fantastic Four was one of the worst CBM's I've seen, the second was far better, but still subpar

Hellboy: I liked this one, it had a great amount of dry humour, and the director is one of my favourites. I am looking forward to the sequel.

Daredevil: Another travesty of a movie. Ben Affleck? Moving on...

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen: Entertaining for sure, but still not that great.

V For Vendetta: Excellent movie, I enjoyed it far more than I expected to. Though the scene when V introduces himself using an inordinate amount of v words still makes me cringe.

Mystery Men: I liked this movie, mostly because Tom Waits is in it though.

Hulk: Ugh...At least there's not much chance that the next one will be as bad.

300: This is a great movie if you want lots of stylized action violence and little thought.

Constantine: I'm divided on this one, I kind of enjoyed it. Keanu Reeves still sucks though.

Alien Vs. Predator: I laughed my way through this one. It appeals to me because I have a soft spot for cheesy horror flicks

Ghost Rider: Just about every line of dialogue in this movie made me want to either laugh out loud, vomit, or do both

The Mask: When I first watched this movie I enjoyed it. That was before I knew what good movies were though.

The Punisher: Want a movie with no plot? Watch this one.

The Rocketeer: I watched this one a long time ago, and so, I can't remember much of it, that could be good or bad.

Sin City: I really liked this one, it had fantastic cinematography.

Spider Man (1 and 2): I liked both of these movies, they were campy, but Spiderman always was.

Superman Returns: I hate Superman, he is the worst superhero ever. On top of that, the movie was just plain crappy.

So there you go. There are a plethora of these coming out in the next year, so I'll probably do an update of this list.

Grasping At The Hem

one of my attempts at poetry, one that I'm actually half proud of...

Grasping At The Hem

i need the healing you hold

but i don’t want a spectacle

and i don’t want to waste your time

it can be between you and me

a source of quiet praise

i know you deal with a lot of people

all the time

so just let me touch your cloak

i know that that’s enough

that’s all it takes

so don’t mind me

i’m just one in a sea of faces

all begging for your healing

i don’t want it to be earth-shattering

or anything along those lines

all i need is to be healed on the inside

i need you to stitch my heart back together

so just ignore me as i grasp at your hem…

My Sincerest Apologies

So, on a whim, I have decided to join the blogging world. My feelings on this decision are mirrored in the title of my blog. What am I doing here? I honestly am unsure as yet, but we'll see how things go. This will mostly be me unloading my thoughts on various things, but please don't expect much.