Old Poetry

So, i found this random piece of paper on my bedroom floor (not at all unusual, mind you) and it had the following "poem" hastily scribbled on the back of it. Thought it might be worth sharing. Can't say i remember the context surrounding my writing it, but interesting to see where i've come from, perhaps.

when the night is at its darkest
and i feel so painfully empty
so lost
so forsaken
when i want nothing more than to be held
comforted
loved
when i can do naught but cry in bitter, emasculated, self-loathing
(will you show me the final count of those shed tears, in the end?)
it is during such times that i say:
"i am abandoned,
God has never forsaken me."
what can i say to those who despair?
to those who mourn?
to those who fear the dark?
"Never will I leave you,
nor will I forsake you."

(To give credit where it's due the line "i am abandoned, God has never forsaken me." is lovingly borrowed from the Children 18:3 song "Abandoned")

ἐλέησον

Ἅγιος ὁ Θεός

ἐλέησον ἡμᾶς

i am broken before You

Ἅγιος ἰσχυρός

ἐλέησον ἡμᾶς

fill me with your radiant light

Ἅγιος ἀθάνατος

ἐλέησον ἡμᾶς

let Your light shine

through the cracks in my heart

Κύριε ἐλέησον, Χριστὲ ἐλέησον, Κύριε ἐλέησον

(Holy Holy Holy)

may Your justice swell up from the ocean deep

may Your justice pour down from the heavenly heights

forgive my dispassion

forgive my apathy

forgive my sloth

ἐλέησον, ἐλέησον, ἐλέησον

forgive me as i forgive others

have mercy on me as i have mercy on others

Amen

Nothing significant for today.

i've decided to try and be a bit more intentional about posting here more regularly and i'm very uninspired today so my thoughts are especially abstract and scattered.

Today marks 3 months since i quit smoking. There are many times when i regret having done that. Stupid, i know, but such is the nature of addiction, i suppose.

i recently rediscovered the awesomeness that is Tuvan throat-singing. It happened like this: My brother Matthew saw a strange looking CD for sale at a library in Edmonton and lent it to me. The CD was Ilmatar by a Finnish folk band called Värttinä. It was so enjoyable i decided to look into some of their other music. The album of theirs that came out shortly before Ilmatar, titled Vihma featured some Tuvan throat singing, which pushed me to watch the documentary Genghis Blues, which is about American blues musician Paul Pena and his discovery of Tuvan throat-singing and his subsequent journey to Tuva to particpate in the national throat-singing competition. That led me to purchase the album Back Tuva Future by Kongar-ol Ondar (one of the most talented throat-singers in Tuva). Fantastic album.

Also, i've been revisiting my childhood by watching a few of my favourite shows from those days: Batman: The Animated Series, X-Men, and Gargoyles. Good times.

Albums i'm big into right now: All the above mentioned albums, along with Maya by MIA, and Rain's 'A Comin' by Children 18:3.

Airing Out The Closet, and Laying That Skeleton To Rest

So, it's been about nine months since my last post, and i've been encouraged by a very close friend of mine to take up blogging again. What better way to return than by opening up heart in a very uncomfortable way and letting the internet in on one of my most tightly held secrets?

i am a survivor of sexual abuse.

It's amazing that such a small statement can hold so much chaos and pain wrapped up in it. It's amazing that such a small act has had such a deep and detrimental effect on me for the majority of my life. For about 17 years i kept that to myself. For that amount of time i unwittingly let that event define so much of my identity.

My insecurity and tendency towards self-disdain/loathing, my horrible body image, my fear of betrayel/rejection, my difficulty allowing people to get to know me or get close to me, a vague and general sense of shame...

The list goes on.

It happened when i was pretty young, but my childhood memories are pretty jumbled, so the chronology has been lost, i would have been no older than 7 or as young as 4 years old. Like i said above, i've had a long time to hold on to that hurt.

Living through your schooling years with an inability to trust people doesn't make it very easy to develop deep, and lasting relationships. That's something i'm still trying to figure out.

So, i don't really know what else to write about this, so i think i'll end here for today.