So, it's been about nine months since my last post, and i've been encouraged by a very close friend of mine to take up blogging again. What better way to return than by opening up heart in a very uncomfortable way and letting the internet in on one of my most tightly held secrets?
i am a survivor of sexual abuse.
It's amazing that such a small statement can hold so much chaos and pain wrapped up in it. It's amazing that such a small act has had such a deep and detrimental effect on me for the majority of my life. For about 17 years i kept that to myself. For that amount of time i unwittingly let that event define so much of my identity.
My insecurity and tendency towards self-disdain/loathing, my horrible body image, my fear of betrayel/rejection, my difficulty allowing people to get to know me or get close to me, a vague and general sense of shame...
The list goes on.
It happened when i was pretty young, but my childhood memories are pretty jumbled, so the chronology has been lost, i would have been no older than 7 or as young as 4 years old. Like i said above, i've had a long time to hold on to that hurt.
Living through your schooling years with an inability to trust people doesn't make it very easy to develop deep, and lasting relationships. That's something i'm still trying to figure out.
So, i don't really know what else to write about this, so i think i'll end here for today.
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Wow, Brenden, that's quite a secret to have to carry. And probably not much easier to share.
ReplyDeleteThanks for having the guts to get past the fear and let it out. I hope you have (in the past, and now) close friends/confidants to talk to, cry with, celebrate together with.
Feel free to use me as a soundingboard if you need to.
thanks for the encouragement, Al!
ReplyDeleteGood job, Brennie. I am so impressed with your dedication to this kind of brave honesty. We are walking with you, bro.
ReplyDeleteThanks Jamie, i wouldn't be able (or willing, perhaps) to do this without the support that you and Kim have given me over the years.
ReplyDeletei'm glad we're sharing this journey of life.
Thanks for sharing, Brennie. You've held that in for a long time. Recovery is a long, hard road but I'm sure it's worth it. I'm here if you need anything. I love you friend.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Shellie, and i want you to know that your recent post about your own struggles was a pretty big inspiration for me to do this. i love you too!
ReplyDeleteYour story is heartbreaking, your courage is inspiring...
ReplyDeleteSkeleton be GONE!
Blessings,
thanks Chris!
ReplyDelete