A Portrait of my Beatrice, or The Impossible Woman, or A Romantic's Quest for a Hopeless Ideal.

This is a pretty much pointless post, so i would not feel obligated to actually read it if i were you.

i want a woman who:
is strong of character, gentle of spirit
loves me for who i am and challenges me to become who i'm meant to be
doesn't care if her body isn't "perfect" according to the standards of society
has a vision for her life that compliments and supplements my own
has a passion for justice and the oppressed
doesn't expect me to be the guy from any one of those stupid chick flicks
can see just why St. Valentine's Day is such a scam
is alright with occasionally wearing dresses/skirts
is able and willing to open up to me, and is willing to let me open up to her
is able and willing to put up with my wackiness
doesn't buy into the lie that love = flowers/chocolates/jewelery/$$$
follows her own sense of fashion, unpolluted by society
likes holding hands and cuddling
is good with kids (and wants her own someday)
is eccentric in her tastes (though i suppose that would pretty much be a given if she were to end up with me)
is intelligent and thoughtful, not frightened of introspection
is affectionate, not clingy
is able to accept the fact that i do have friends who i may want to spend time with
is communicative, says what she means (forgive me, i am a guy, thus, i am oblivious)
is able to live without me and doesn't think about me constantly (i don't want anyone addicted to, or obsessed with me, that's not love, it's creepy, and i only like the whole statement "you complete me" when it's being said to Batman by Joker)

i probably ought to make it clear that Dante never did end up with Beatrice, he simply viewed her as the incarnation of beatific love. His love for her was secret, unrequited and highly respectful. She was a muse of his, he wrote a number of sonnets to her, and one of his more popular works, La Vita Nuova, was also inspired by her. That is why i chose her name to represent this ideal of mine.

Introspection That Isn't Dark Or Moody, or The Happy Post.

This is a compilation of two of my Facebook notes (The Happy Note pts 1 & 2), with a bit more happiness thrown into the mix.

things that make me happy:
- Little examples of common courtesy whether i'm giving, receiving, or simply witnessing them.
- Nature doing its thing i.e. a squirrel stashing some food in my back fence.
- Making people laugh.
- My bed, at least when I'm really tired.
- The nonsensical banter that is so common, and idiosyncratic, to my family.
- My friends.
- When pretty girls smile (of course, this is because the smile usually adds a great deal to their beauty).
- Little kids at play.
- Tales of hope and beauty in the twilight of our souls.
- When i manage to write something that i actually like.
- Choir tours (or at this point, memories of choir tours).
- Meeting cool people.
- Being accepted and loved for who i am.
- Books (generally, the more phantasmagorical the better).
- Cornerstone Music Festival.
- Cooking or baking, especially with other people.
- Hugs.
- The freedom to make mistakes.
- Good music.
- My brothers and sister-in-law.
- My parents (believe it or not).

i could (should) probably write more along these lines, but i think is a good enough start at least.

More Labyrinthine Thoughts and Enigmatic Ramblings

i was planning on my next post being "A Portrait of my Beatrice, or The Impossible Woman, or A Romantic's Quest for a Hopeless Ideal," but i probably won't bother publishing that one, even though i have put some serious work into it.

As i mentioned in my last post, i have been thinking a lot lately about whether or not my weirdness is genuine. Last night, caught in the throes of a mild identity crisis, i nearly came to the conclusion that the only reason i do the weird things that i do is because otherwise people will just ignore me. Unless i make myself noticeable, no one will notice me. That's how i feel, regardless of the veracity of the statement.

Another thing i noticed about myself is that every time i reveal a bit more of my heart, just opening up in any small way at all, will only lead to me closing back up again (if not even more). This i do because i feel like people just forget what i have said almost immediately after i have said it, thus removing any meaning the vulnerability may have had.

i hate goodbyes, and i hate anticipating goodbyes. Sometimes it seems like as soon as i let someone in i am hit with the cold, hard, truth that eventually they will be gone. This is nearing being an absolute in my mind. No matter how close someone is to me, i will have to say goodbye to them at some point. This is one of the reasons that the idea of a romantic relationship is so frightening to me. All relationships end at some point, and it always hurts when they do.

My insecurities have been hounding me more so than usual. as of late. What have i got to offer? What right do i have to be in a position of leadership? Would my friends still love and respect me if was fully honest and open with them? Is it even possible for me to be fully honest and open with anyone?

i am pretty sure that i am not at all capable of accepting any sort of compliment. That probably comes as a real shock to you. While it is partially that i don't believe them, most often compliments just baffle me, i have no idea how to respond to them.

Well, that's enough of this nonsense for now.