It's been a long time since I rock and rolled...

As my unashamed reference to Led Zepplin states, it has been quite some time since i last posted. What's at fault? Probably a mixture of apathy, laziness, and lack of inspiration. If i really wanted, i suppose i could go on a bitter rant about some of the idiocy i have been subjected to as of late, but i feel this blog has enough bitterness in it already. So, i shall instead list some things that have happened recently (or  will happen soon) that make me happy.

1. My recent purchase of the newest K'naan album "Troubadour." While K'naan is a hip-hop/rap artist, he is a poet of the finest calibre, and is not afraid to share his experiences growing up in Wardhiigleey (which translates to "the lake of blood") in Somalia during their civil war. Whether he is tearing through the braggadocio which so often infuses his genre of choice, or is sharing the story of his girlfriend's murder when he was twelve years old, he is always eloquent. His beliefs always show through, and while they are different from my own (he is a muslim), i still have a great deal of respect for him.

2. Tonight i have the great opportunity to see Leonard Cohen in concert. Leonard Cohen is, was, and will always be one of the best things to ever happen to Canadian popular culture. His lyrical genius more than makes up fo his lack of musical ability. His songs have been covered hundreds of times by some of the most popular musical artists of the 20th century. He is quite possibly my favourite contemporary poet. i might even go so far as to say that i appreciate Cohen as much as i do Dante.

3. Adventures in rural south-eastern Manitoba. Whether it's traipsing through abandoned houses/barns,  being harrased by a dead coyote's ghost, crashing a luchadore photo shoot, or simply touring around the country listening to southern rock. This is something i've recently started taking part in with my brother Sean, and our friend Kris (and whoever else happens to join us). These adventures/tours are like mini road trips, and i find it amazing how much awesome stuff there is right in my backyard that i don't even know about.

4. Cornerstone Music Festival. Best music festival ever. It's going to be fantastic.

5. Tom Waits in a rap song. There are no words to describe...

Other things that have made me smile recently include freshly baked cookies, strange Scandinavian women and their equally strange music, McDonald's food late at night, reconnecting with (long, lost) friends, and good quality fantasy epics.

Why I hate St. Valentine's Day

It is not because i'm single. In fact, i might possibly hate it more if i had a "significant other" (is anyone else annoyed by that term?). Of course, one could argue that i hate it because i had a huge fight with my girlfriend on this day, 3 years ago, but fear not! To be honest, it was my hate for St. V's Day, that caused the fight in the first place.

"So why do you hate St. Valentine's Day, Brennie??" You ask.

"Well, [insert your name here], it's because Valentine's Day is just a big money grab," I reply condescendingly.

"But...but...It's about loooooooooove!" You exclaim desperately,  the same shock and disbelief written across your face as the time you found out Santa didn't exist.

"That is a common misconception, [insert your name here]," i explain, "and it may have even been about love at some point, now it is just a day when card/candy/flower stores can guilt boyfriends/husbands/etc. into buying their goods after jacking up the prices. It's really about shallow, conformist, sentimentalism."

"Wow, Brennie, you sure are bitter/cynical!" You reply heatedly.

"i would say i'm being realistic, but of course 'that's what they all say,'"

At that point i give up trying to explain the rationale behind my distaste for this day and change the subject to something unrelated. It is one of my goals to never get into a relationship with someone who would require me to do something for them on St. V's, and so i greatly anticipate having someone to not celebrate the day with.

i have lost my faith in cynicism.

For years i have guarded my heart with bitterness and an uncompromising cynicism toward all things romantic. This is starting to change, regardless of how i see some relationships playing out around me.

Someone told me that she will laugh at me when i get into a relationship and do all the things that i've been complaining about regarding how people are in romantic relationships. i still don't know how i feel about that, but it almost borders on being offensive (edit: She read my blog, there was a slight misunderstanding on my part, it's all cleared up now). Then i think back on my last relationship, and how i became one of those couples that i hated so much. Now, i do know that the next time i get into a relationship it won't be such a mess as that one, at least now i have a basic foundation of how relationships should and should not be done. That being said, i still wonder, just how much of that idiocy will i repeat, and how much of that idiocy is unavoidable?

Anyways, i'm sick of being tagged as bitter, of being labeled as a cynic, and i'm sick of those statements being accurate. i don't want to be a cynic anymore, i'm just not sure how to go about changing...

i dunno how i feel about this poem, but whatever, here it is:

this dark shell around my heart is beginning to crack

and from within a weak light is shining through

i pry at the cracks but my fingers slip

my hands are weak and shaky

the task seems insurmountable and my strength ebbs

tears well up in my eyes

i try to hold back

the dam breaks

the cascade flows over the shell of my heart

i just want to let go

i want to rid myself of this suffocating cage

my heart wants to soar

until it finds a place to nest

as my tears baptize my scarred and wounded heart

the dark shell softens

the cracks widen

and healing comes

the fire within the shell, so nearly stifled

is not doused by the flow

but fed

the tears become flame adding to the conflagration within

my bitterness is consumed

but that is not the end

the healing will take time

and effort

but when it is complete my heart will soar and someday find

its resting place

A Portrait of my Beatrice, or The Impossible Woman, or A Romantic's Quest for a Hopeless Ideal.

This is a pretty much pointless post, so i would not feel obligated to actually read it if i were you.

i want a woman who:
is strong of character, gentle of spirit
loves me for who i am and challenges me to become who i'm meant to be
doesn't care if her body isn't "perfect" according to the standards of society
has a vision for her life that compliments and supplements my own
has a passion for justice and the oppressed
doesn't expect me to be the guy from any one of those stupid chick flicks
can see just why St. Valentine's Day is such a scam
is alright with occasionally wearing dresses/skirts
is able and willing to open up to me, and is willing to let me open up to her
is able and willing to put up with my wackiness
doesn't buy into the lie that love = flowers/chocolates/jewelery/$$$
follows her own sense of fashion, unpolluted by society
likes holding hands and cuddling
is good with kids (and wants her own someday)
is eccentric in her tastes (though i suppose that would pretty much be a given if she were to end up with me)
is intelligent and thoughtful, not frightened of introspection
is affectionate, not clingy
is able to accept the fact that i do have friends who i may want to spend time with
is communicative, says what she means (forgive me, i am a guy, thus, i am oblivious)
is able to live without me and doesn't think about me constantly (i don't want anyone addicted to, or obsessed with me, that's not love, it's creepy, and i only like the whole statement "you complete me" when it's being said to Batman by Joker)

i probably ought to make it clear that Dante never did end up with Beatrice, he simply viewed her as the incarnation of beatific love. His love for her was secret, unrequited and highly respectful. She was a muse of his, he wrote a number of sonnets to her, and one of his more popular works, La Vita Nuova, was also inspired by her. That is why i chose her name to represent this ideal of mine.

Introspection That Isn't Dark Or Moody, or The Happy Post.

This is a compilation of two of my Facebook notes (The Happy Note pts 1 & 2), with a bit more happiness thrown into the mix.

things that make me happy:
- Little examples of common courtesy whether i'm giving, receiving, or simply witnessing them.
- Nature doing its thing i.e. a squirrel stashing some food in my back fence.
- Making people laugh.
- My bed, at least when I'm really tired.
- The nonsensical banter that is so common, and idiosyncratic, to my family.
- My friends.
- When pretty girls smile (of course, this is because the smile usually adds a great deal to their beauty).
- Little kids at play.
- Tales of hope and beauty in the twilight of our souls.
- When i manage to write something that i actually like.
- Choir tours (or at this point, memories of choir tours).
- Meeting cool people.
- Being accepted and loved for who i am.
- Books (generally, the more phantasmagorical the better).
- Cornerstone Music Festival.
- Cooking or baking, especially with other people.
- Hugs.
- The freedom to make mistakes.
- Good music.
- My brothers and sister-in-law.
- My parents (believe it or not).

i could (should) probably write more along these lines, but i think is a good enough start at least.

More Labyrinthine Thoughts and Enigmatic Ramblings

i was planning on my next post being "A Portrait of my Beatrice, or The Impossible Woman, or A Romantic's Quest for a Hopeless Ideal," but i probably won't bother publishing that one, even though i have put some serious work into it.

As i mentioned in my last post, i have been thinking a lot lately about whether or not my weirdness is genuine. Last night, caught in the throes of a mild identity crisis, i nearly came to the conclusion that the only reason i do the weird things that i do is because otherwise people will just ignore me. Unless i make myself noticeable, no one will notice me. That's how i feel, regardless of the veracity of the statement.

Another thing i noticed about myself is that every time i reveal a bit more of my heart, just opening up in any small way at all, will only lead to me closing back up again (if not even more). This i do because i feel like people just forget what i have said almost immediately after i have said it, thus removing any meaning the vulnerability may have had.

i hate goodbyes, and i hate anticipating goodbyes. Sometimes it seems like as soon as i let someone in i am hit with the cold, hard, truth that eventually they will be gone. This is nearing being an absolute in my mind. No matter how close someone is to me, i will have to say goodbye to them at some point. This is one of the reasons that the idea of a romantic relationship is so frightening to me. All relationships end at some point, and it always hurts when they do.

My insecurities have been hounding me more so than usual. as of late. What have i got to offer? What right do i have to be in a position of leadership? Would my friends still love and respect me if was fully honest and open with them? Is it even possible for me to be fully honest and open with anyone?

i am pretty sure that i am not at all capable of accepting any sort of compliment. That probably comes as a real shock to you. While it is partially that i don't believe them, most often compliments just baffle me, i have no idea how to respond to them.

Well, that's enough of this nonsense for now.

Welcome to the labyrinth that is my mind

My head is full.

With all that is going on, i am impressed by the fact that i haven't shut down altogether, emotionally and mentally. It's been crazy these past few weeks. The DTS is going swell, i love the group we've got here. The unfortunate bit is the schedule; it's packed.

Then there's all the relationship drama that's going on among the various couples that are friends of mine, which is something i just don't want to have to deal with.

A friend of mine lost her baby, which is a sort of pain i cannot, and will never, begin to understand. Her name is Jayna, please keep her in your prayers.

Other crises that friends of mine are going through run the gamut from questioning their faith to thinking they will never be good enough for a romantic relationship (gee, that sounds familiar for some reason...).

Please don't read this as me whining about my friends and downplaying their struggles, i'm not. i love these people and i'm an empath. When one part of the body suffers, the whole body suffers.

Now, add to that my personal craziness. The nagging quasi-desire for a girlfriend, the constant worry that i'm going to let someone, anyone, down, the desire to be understood and the hesitancy to let anyone into my heart, blah, blah, blah.

i just read over my post Stale Beer and Cigarettes again, and the apparent paradoxes of my being jumped out at me again. Lately i've been thinking that maybe my weirdness is just a front, an act so that people think i'm unique and "special." That line of thinking worries me. What if it is all just masks and costumes that i've convinced myself are my face and skin?